Thursday, March 31, 2005

A Beautiful Baby and Jealousy

Five days after Roxy and Chris had their baby I got to visit them and hold their baby. Nervous about holding a newborn in my arms I was surprised by the warmth of “Lance Mark’s” little body resting in my arms. Jude and I have waited years for this day. In fact 9 years ago we bought a special piece of cartoon cell art depicting Sylvester and his son depicting the anticipated day that Chris would become a father.

What caught me off guard was the surprising detail of Lance Mark’s hands, feet, eyebrows, and eyes. Then it happened, Lance Mark reached out with his hand and grabbed my index finger. I was lost in a whirlwind of amazement, desire, and emotions. The surprising thing is that the strongest emotion was a kind of jealousy; I longed to have a baby of my very own that would reflect in some way the heritage of Jude and I.

Not knowing exactly what to do with these feelings and the power of them, I have been staying up late at night either thinking about these things or trying not to think about these things. I also have found myself withdrawing from young children. The void here unless there is some kind of miracle is probably permanent. The question is whether good or evil will fill that void in my heart. I am still glad for Chris and Roxy. I do not want their child, nor would I want to diminish their joy. It is just the denial of my own feelings regarding having a child of my own was forced to the surface with a lot more force than I anticipated.

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