Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Friday Spiritual Retreat with Fuller Class & LA InnerChange Team

We arrived at the Mater Dolorosa Passionate Retreat center about 8:45am. The whole grounds visually resonated with the story of the Passion of Christ. Their Mission Statement being:

We are a Passionist Retreat Center,
Preaching the Passion of Jesus Christ. We
Seek to welcome all who wish to hear the
Message of the Passion, through our
Traditions of preaching, hospitality, and
Compassion. We resolve to place our
Focus on the Passion of Jesus Christ and
Its relevance to the lives of people today.
We also resolve to foster and promote
Spiritual growth and renewal through
Passionist retreat programs and by
Providing a peaceful environment of
Prayer and reflection.


I am usually more tuned into the resurrection than the crucifixion. I brought to the retreat the intention of facing my inner sorrow over the twenty plus deaths of people I have known. (Only 2 of these deaths are because of violence.) This retreat context was more than appropriate for processing this sorrow. The first sense I got during the retreat after the morning prayers was the sense that this was just a beginning for me and that this is going to be an important season to pay attention to lent -- the death and resurection of Jesus Christ. I also think that Mel Gipson’s Passion of Christ is going to play a large role in this journey. Being thirsty the first opportunity we got I sought and found a coffee dispenser. All while my mind was rushing to how I could pursue using this film to reach out to others. It became clear that I was facing the first of several walls in my soul to being still.

I paced around the outside of the main building. Soon I found a strange sort of comfort on the back steps that led to the main buildings cooling & heating system. There was an empty cross, worked into the masonry. I was happier with a more "Protestant" Cross. I also found comfort in the concrete steps and the white noise made by the mechanical systems. I started to pray and the call to “Be still and acknowledge God as God” was still burning in my chest. I could not be still so I got up to wander again. Arriving at the Northwest corner of the building I was reminded again of my intention by a Raven who started cawing and would not stop.

I literally retreated to the room where we were going to have the centering prayer exercise. I got myself a second and third cup of coffee. Then I finally settled down into praying my expanded version of the Jesus, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have mercy on me a sinner. Father I ask for strength, Jesus I ask for your heart, Holy Spirit I ask for power and inspiration. This focused on for about 30 minutes calmed me down to begin to be still. I was surprised by my desire to read which has been numbed out for several months began to come back to me with surprising force. Also I was glad to discover that I could read academic material. My concentration for reading has been so disrupted that I have been listening to scripture more often than reading it. I brought with me Wendy Beckett's book, "The Mystical Now Art and The Sacred". Its pages nourished my heart and mind.

I joined the optional centering prayer exercise. The image of letting any ideas, other than my prayer focused on Christ himself, flow down river like a drifting boat was freeing and liberating. Soon I began to be still and the twenty minutes set aside for this was over.

I was drawn outside and found the fifteenth station of the cross -- the empty tomb. I found comfort in this affirmation that Christ is raised for the Passionists as well as for us Protestants. Then I wandered to the station of Mary holding the dead body of Christ. It drew me. I was temporarily distracted by some coins that someone had placed in the hands of Jesus. Then it hit me. I did not get to see the body of Barbara Brown, or Dr. Loder. There were others that I did not get to say good by to. I want to grow in my capacity to acknowledge the lives that I have loved that are now gone from us. The statue proclaimed engagement. I somehow had grown detached. I am reminded that God wants to meet me in the realities that I want to distance myself from the most. I rested in this space resonating with the symbols of loss and realizing God’s kindness to me in this time. Then I noticed that a stone in the base of the statue setting was cracked and loose. I followed an impulse to touch it. Part of it fell off and landed in my hands. There I sat next to “Mary holding Jesus” while holding a piece of their statue in my hands. I am still trying to understand the power of this moment for me. All I can say is that I took a piece of that stone home and it was as if I could both embrace and accept that the body of my friend Dr. James Loder has been committed to the ground.

The results of this retreat are still in process for me. I have learned that silence can help me make the transition into academic work and study. This is a timely insight for me. I have not had such concentration for a couple years now because of some issues with Post Traumatic Stress. I will see if this is a more permanent closure to this chapter in my life. For now I can read again; if I take some time for silence. We also decided as a team to set 1 Friday morning a month for a similar time of prayer and retreat. I am looking forward to all this season of lent will offer. I am thankful for the gift of the space, time, and intentional silence.

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